What If It’s Not Bad Parenting?

We spend a lot of time trying to fix behavior in kids. We label it, diagnose it, and build systems around managing it. Trouble focusing. Impulse control. Difficulty sitting still. The assumption is often that something is wrong with the child, their upbringing or that we just need better strategies to help them “sit still and pay attention.” 

Blame for the rising incidence in kids’ behavior is often placed on parents, or screens, or both. What if there is something deeper going on?

In The Deepest Well, Nadine Burke-Harris raises a different possibility. She writes about children whose symptoms look like ADHD – impulsivity, fidgeting, inability to focus - but which may be rooted in something else entirely. “What if… the cause of these symptoms… was not a mental disorder, exactly, but a biological process that worked on the brain to disrupt normal functioning?”

What if these issues are being driven by biology? And what factors in our culture and environment might be driving these biological shifts? Because, let’s face it, it is not just the kids who are not okay. Adults are experiencing more of these shifts too. 

The Brain is Responding to Experience

Early childhood adversity, what we now call ACEs, does not just shape emotions. It changes the body. The brain, the immune system, the hormonal system, even sleep patterns. Elevated stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline begin to disrupt normal development. Over time, this affects attention, mood, learning, and even cravings for sugar and high-carb foods.

This is not about bad behavior. It is about a nervous system that has adapted to stress and gotten stuck in the stress response. And that adaptation shows up everywhere in the body.

The Early Years Build the System

In the first few years of life, the brain is developing at an incredible rate. Over one million neural connections are formed every second. By age five, about 90 percent of brain development is already in place.

That means early environment matters A LOT. Movement matters. Nutrition matters. Sleep matters. These are not “nice to have” elements of development. They are the inputs that shape how the nervous system functions.

Young children are both the most vulnerable to adversity and the most capable of healing from it when the right supports are in place early.

Regulation Comes Before Behavior

If the issue is a disrupted stress response, then the solution is not just more discipline or structure. It is regulation. Burke-Harris puts it plainly: “Toxic stress is a result of a disruption of the stress response… a fundamental biological mechanism.” That means we need to support the system, not just manage the symptoms.

This is where movement, nutrition, sleep, and connection come in. In clinical settings, when these were added alongside traditional therapy, children showed improvements in sleep, mood, behavior, and even grades. Our bodies have the capacity to heal. But we need the right daily dose of activities that rewire brain-body connections. Thanks to neural plasticity – the brain’s ability to be rewired with consistent (daily) interventions - we can adapt at any age. However, the time best suited for intervention is during the first three years of life, when 80% of the brain’s architecture is first being wired.

So What Do We Do With This?

We stop asking, “What’s wrong with this child?” and start asking, “What has this child experienced, and what do they need to regulate a disrupted nervous system and build future resilience?”

For parents and caregivers, this looks like prioritizing the basics. Sufficient sleep. Consistent routines and boundaries. Feeling safe. Regular movement. Time outside. Nourishing food. These are non-negotiables. They are foundational for establishing and maintaining a healthy nervous system.

For educators and systems, it means building environments that support regulation before expecting performance. Because when the system is regulated, behavior begins to change on its own, attention increases and performance follows.

When we catch ourselves wondering what is wrong with a child who is acting out, I wonder if we can pause and reframe the question to “what can I do right now to support this kid feeling safe and supported?” That’s when we go back to the basics. Sleep, food, mood and movement. Wash. Rinse. Repeat

Thank you for your interest. Follow more of my work on Substack at The Tao te Mitchy, PQ Initiative, and Divergent Ideas.

Recommended Reading

Burke-Harris, N. (2018). The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity.

Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you?: Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books.